A little while ago, I described an experience I had in terms of a “crisis of faith.” Of course, this is a misnomer, because I’m pagan, and “faith” isn’t central to my religion. But I was having an issue because of my understanding of how devotion should work and how that defined my relationship to the gods. And how that service defined me.
So I’m having a crisis of faith (which is awkward for a pagan). Because the gods I am worshiping now have screwed me over in the past. And because even now they have attempted to call me to restoring their glory and to serving in government positions. (When Jupiter tells you that you need to run for office, you take it seriously.) And because I can’t trust that they will allow me the happiness and success that they are promising.
I am by nature a being that reflects the emotions of others. I don’t know who I am when I am alone. And I’m struggling with that. I define myself by my interactions with others. And I have always looked for something greater than myself to serve.
I’m still not quite sure what to do. I’m accepting my roles as healer and bard with increasing vigor, But I don’t trust the gods I have been dedicating myself to. I don’t trust the tradition they belong to anymore. I don’t know who to turn to or who to seek guidance from. And I still don’t know who I am and what my purpose is.
Although I’m starting to think that who I am isn’t really that important. And I’m realizing that my purpose is more under my control than I had thought. I had taken it for granted that I had to devote myself to something, to someone, and to some destiny that was determined by them.
What does it mean to realize that your gods may not be leading you to your Great Purpose, but leading you away from it intentionally?
I think a lot of this is due to the relationships I was assuming I had to have with my gods. Namely, one of supplication and subservience. When I was younger, as I fought against my empathic nature, I resisted submitting to any divine form, and did so very aggressively. The more I accept that empathic nature, the more I want to be subsumed into something “greater.”
And I think that a holdover from Christianity — and perhaps even from my past lives — dictated that submitting to divine forces took the form of unquestioning devotion and service. Of following orders and sacrificing your own will.
Well, that’s not the kind of relationship I want to have with the gods. I’d much prefer a mentor relationship, or even one of friendship.
But I’m still not sure who I am. I’m getting to the point where I’m comfortable with myself and my nature without rigid definitions, but I can’t get past this disturbing notion that I have some Greater Purpose that I must fulfill. And the two conflict.
I need to surrender to something greater. But it needs to be wholly and entirely of me.
And there is an opportunity. For the first time, I will be living entirely by myself. I will have my own space and be free to use it as I see fit.
A while back I wrote this:
KAC with the HGA would be a great experience, and would give me bragging rights as a magician, but to what end? How does that help me find a better job? In my experience, Divine Inspiration involves larger abstract goals, and skimps on the details for making such things happen. That’s why we have egos in the first place, isn’t it? To address short-term goals and more immediate needs? Perhaps that’s why connecting to the HGA is supposed to do: get the ego and the Higher Self to hash out the details between themselves?
I’m not sure. I haven’t heard much about the practical results of such a working. Just that it’s supposed to be grand, and that Good Magicians(TM) do it.
But the achievement itself doesn’t amount to much unless you can use it as an effective tool.
And a little later I said this:
And as I said, what the fuck is the point of contacting my HGA if I spend all my time seething in frustration at my job or the fact that I’m crashing at my parents’ house? Indeed, would I even be able to effectively contact my HGA in such a state?
We develop to the level that helps us most effectively in our lives.
I’ve been doing a lot of internal work lately. I’m no longer frustrated by my job. In fact I’m quite happy there.
And I’ll be moving out of my parents’ house.
It may be time to do the HGA work, and finish it. I think that this may be that link that I’m missing. What better way to figure out definitively who I am than to invoke It?
And now I think I’m ready. I can use that experience as a tool.
Everything is falling into place.